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Published: Irish Independent, January 12 2013

12 Secrets Every Woman Should Know About Men

Okay, I have a confession to make. I only agreed to write the 12 Secrets Every Woman Should Know About Men because I needed the work. In this economy, I would mow your lawn if there was money involved.

But I’ll be honest. I’m not sure men have twelve secrets. I’m not even sure we have one. Also, there are about 3.5 billion men. But I only know about a couple dozen of them very well. So it’s hard to make generalisations. I could say that men are so terrified of running into women at the checkout, when we’re buying toilet roll, that we sometimes buy kitchen roll instead. But that would be an embarrassing secret about me, rather than an embarrassing secret about anyone else.

With those caveats declared up front, permit me to present the 12 (Sort-of) Secrets Women May (or May Not) Already Know About Men…

1. Men are more concerned with our appearances than you would think. By which I mean, we are more concerned with our appearances than you would guess by looking at us.

2. We talk to each other about football because we love football. Well, most of the time. Other times its just something to talk about. Football is like the weather for men.

3. It really doesn’t matter if a toilet seat is up or down. I’m sorry, it doesn’t. The only reason we don’t fight our corner on this point is because it’s just too ridiculous an argument ever to get into. Even for a man.

4. Ninety percent of the crap women buy is to impress other women. No man has ever turned to his mate in a bar and said “Jesus, did you see the Christian Louboutin’s on yer one?”

5. Men don’t like asking for directions because the vast majority of people are idiots who couldn’t offer coherent directions from their own kitchen to the nearest bathroom if they were asked. And we don’t enjoy having to nod politely to these people.

6. No matter how superficial you think men are, I would say we’re more superficial than that again. Personally, I would date one of Youth Defence if she was good looking.

7. In fact, I would join Youth Defence if I thought it would sweeten the deal. (You know, I bet half the guys in the Iona Institute don’t even care about Catholic values. They’re all just convinced they have a shot with that Dr Maria Steen one.)

8. For men, a relationship is basically a gravy train of sex. So once we’re in one, we tend to be pretty malleable about most other things. But you can only push a man so far. I once broke up with a girl for making me go on the Dublin ghost bus tour.

9. When a man is in a relationship, he doesn’t discuss his sex life with his friends. I’m not sure why, he just doesn’t.

10. If a man doesn’t have a place he can go to, where his partner isn’t looking over his shoulder all the time – or if he feels he life is moving in a direction he isn’t entirely comfortable with and without his consent – he will begin to feel emasculated and resentful. Unfortunately, as he is too much of an idiot to articulate these feelings in a reasonable manner, he will communicate his unhappiness to you by acting like a dickhead 99% of the time.

11. Every man secretly thinks he’s the best in the world at something. Be kind, don’t burst our bubble.

12. Finally, don’t EVER look at our internet browsing history. Ever. Not even if you think there’s a chance it could avert a nuclear holocaust. Just trust me on this one.