Miscellaneous

Published: Unpublished, summer 2007

Readers Letters

Dear Eoin,

I’ve never been lucky when it comes to love. My first husband Michael was great with the kids and the sex was fantastic. But one day he ran off with my best friend Tracy and the contents of our bank account.

I found new love with Dan. He was great with the kids and the sex was fantastic. But one day he ran off with my brother-in-law Pete and the contents of our lingerie drawer. Next I met Simon. He’s great with the kids and the sex is fantastic. But now he’s breaking down our front door of with an axe and threatening to kill me.

I’m ever so upset. What should I do?

Kathleen, Galway.

Oh dear, Kathleen. Sounds like you’ve bagged yourself another right psycho. My free advice leaflet ‘My Psychotic Husband is Trying to Break Down The Front Door and Kill Me’ should help – E.B.

Dear Sir,

Prithee thee and indeed, furthertheless. With reference to Dublin City Council’s orbital traffic routing system, does it not strike you as marked, that the city’s traffic can be found to mosey hither and tither but nary a wither?

Yours etc.

Geoffrey Willoughby, Rathgar, Dublin 6

Fucking hell. My thoughts exactly, Geoffrey – E.B.

Dear Eoin,

Hats off to TV’s Carol Smillie. No matter what life has thrown at her she has always borne it with a smile. Let’s hope she finds happiness with new love Marcus.

H. Oaks, Hertfordshire.

What a weird letter… – E.B.

Dear Eoin,

The other day, my granddaughter Beckie asked me what age I was. I told her that I was so old, I couldn’t remember. She replied, “If you don’t remember Gran, you should check what it says on the back of your knickers. Mine say five to six”.

Mrs Ryan, Tullamore.

Okay. So what did your knickers say? Mrs Ryan…? I need closure on that anecdote… Mrs Ryan…? Hello…? – E.B.

[Sketched outline of an article I was going to write for Mongrel back in 2007. At the time, we’d just asked the comedian David O’Doherty to do one of our ‘And Finally…’ articles. By coincidence, he came back to us with a fake Readers Letters page, so I abandoned this.]