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YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

Sara has a low opinion of Irish men. But there’s one for whom she reserves particular scorn. One prototypical idiot she regards as even more clueless than the herd. “Tell me Eooo-wen”, she purrs in that annoying Teutonic drone of hers. “What are you getting your girlfriend for Christmas?”

“Binliners, perhaps? Tampons?”

She shrieks with laughter. I don’t bother lying.

“To be honest, I doubt we’ll even be together by Christmas.” She suddenly sounds concerned.

“You’re breaking up with her?”

“Ah, no… I think she might be breaking up with me.”

“Makes more sense, no? Hahahahaha!”

Aidan rallies to my defence.

“The way you get the women these days” he explains, “is through personal branding.”

What the fuck is he talking about?

“See Butler, you’re kinda like McDonalds. Or Coca Cola. They’re looking for customer loyalty. You’re looking for someone to…”

He looks me up and down.

“Well… dress and feed you, let’s say. The same principle applies.”

Most likely this is some quackish self-help theory Aidan has gleaned through being unemployed and watching a fuckload of daytime television. Even if it has any merit, which I doubt, he’s too stupid, lazy and useless to have picked up any more than a few trite catchphrases…

“What I’m trying to say,” he continues. “Is that you don’t sell the steak. You sell the sizzle.”

The prosecution rests. But Aidan isn’t finished.

“The thing is, Eoin, you’re gettin’ on a bit…”

Sara nods in agreement. (“For sure!”)

“Women your age are interested in more than just having a good time. They’re thinking long term. So you need to reposition the brand.”

(“He needs to shower more too,” cackles Sara.)

Aidan outlines the package. “How would you like women to see you ideally?”

I don’t get a chance to reply.

“Intelligent,” he says. “Sporty… good with children… That kind of shite. Well as it stands, you’re not scoring big on any front. You’re a bum, like, if I’m being completely honest.”

Physician, heal thyself!

“See what you need to do is make them associate you with, you know, accessories that reinforce the desired brand image. Let’s see… A book, a tennis racquet and… I dunno, a pram or something.”

“For fuck’s sake”, I tell him. “I’m not looking for a woman. I’ve got a girlfriend. I’m just in her bad books right now.”

“Why’s that then?”

“Why fucking anything… I’m not supportive. Or understanding. And I’ve got bad judgement… That’s what she says. But I don’t know.”

Sara reaches across the table. She’s enjoying this, the bitch.

“What you need, Eoin”, she suggests. “Is a bra. You know? Supportive?”

Much hilarity. I get it.

“And a mortarboard,” Aidan chips in.

Haha. Supportive and understanding. Hilarious

“…And a powdered wig.” Sara chips in. “Trust me, your girlfriend will go crazy – I promise you!”