Blog

MY TOP TIPS FOR 2010

Cogent Housekeeper
In 2009, Cogent Housekeeper dropped an atomic fucking bomb on dancefloors from Paris to Phnom Penh. This year, expect to see the tween-psychobilly duo blaze a trail through the arpeggiated nuclear winter that follows in its wake. Love them or hate them, there’ll be no ignoring Neville Cornflake and his trusty sidekick Derek “The Tractor Lawnmower” Gonzales. Craic Cocaine
From violent origins in the projects of Detroit and Philly, to its emergence as the designer drug of choice among rockers and fashionistas, the rise and rise of craic cocaine is expected to be one of the major stories of 2010. Users report nausea, cramps, vomiting, hallucinations and shouting “Yeeeeeeeeeeooooooow!” inappropriately at regular intervals.

Slinky 2.0
A modern reworking of the iconic toy and the must-have accessory of 2010. Slinky 2.0 doesn’t just travel up staircases and around corners, it can also be used to check your emails and browse the internet. In 2010, you’re going to look pretty stupid if you don’t have a coiled, web-enabled, helical spring in your pocket. Trust me.

Celebrity Violence
Things have been relatively calm in showbiz circles of late. But 2010 may just be be the year the gloves finally come off. According to celebrity experts, we’ll be seeing a dramatic upsurge in dead arms, Chinese burns and compass stabbings, a A-listers start settling scores… old school.

Ollie Higgins
Kidnapped by pirates, framed for plectrum theft and seriously injured while rescuing a kitten from a tree… Yes, there’s no doubt 2009 was a year to forget for Ollie Higgins. But the veteran troubadour will be looking to put his troubles firmly behind him in 2010: a year many industry insiders expect to see him make a major chart breakthrough. First stop? A one-off gig aboard a specially reconstructed Zeppelin airship. Up, up and away, Ollie!