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THE LIBRARY (1991)

There were nine seasons of Seinfeld. I’ve got almost all of them on DVD. (They’re only DVDs I own, I’m pretty sure.) One of my favourite scenes from the entire run is this exquisitely scripted exchange between Jerry Seinfeld and the hard-nosed library investigations officer, Mr Bookman.

The scene was written by Larry Charles – who went on to direct Curb Your Enthusiasm, Borat and Bruno, amongst other things. He got the idea from watching reruns of the 1960s cop show Dragnet, and imagining how life would be if people actually conducted themselves in the manner of (the fictional) Sergent Joe Friday Read the rest of this entry »

WHAT CAN I DO (TO MAKE YOU TWEET ME)?

As a journalist you kinda get used to receiving batshit crazy emails from people you’ve never met… But this one is in a league of his own. Read the rest of this entry »

“WILL THIS CEREMONY BRING CLOSURE TO HIS FANS?” “AH YES, KAY… IT WILL”

IIf you’re not watching the live coverage of Michael Jackson’s funeral on Sky News then, seriously, turn it on. The fan interviews are priceless… So random redneck couple, could you tell us why Michael Jackson’s music means so much to you? “Uh… Michael Jackson is the King of Pop.” “Yeah, he’s the King of Pop.” Right. And why did you bring a pile of his records? “This is a historic occasion… so I figured, you know, better bring the records.” Read the rest of this entry »

O MIO BABBINO CARO (1965)

CHECKING IN

The phone is tapped. The bed is bugged. And that ice cream van outside ain’t selling too many ice creams. So I’ll get to the point. I’m with the East Mayo Boys, outta East Mayo. You might not a heard of us, but we’ve heard of you. We’re hip to every scam. Wise to every scheme. Abreast of all the latest developments on the street. Oh yeah and we move fast, constantly changing our underpants to avoid detection. You might say we’re the best.

But even the best slip up from time to time and this crew, unfortunately, is no exception. Between us we’ve slipped up in pretty much any country you care to name. Japan, Switzerland, Lesotho – there are a lotta countries. Come to think of it, we’re really, really bad. We’re the worst, in fact. But fuck it; we know a lot about prison. So check it out. Read the rest of this entry »

THIS IS FUNNY

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCOTT McAWESOME!!!”

I’ve just spent about half an hour pissing myself laughing at Oh Crap, My Parents Joined Facebook. A few of my personal favourites are after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

ANYONE FOR WAR CRIMES?

I’m definitely, definitely getting tickets for Wimbledon next year. Roger Federer’s slow, merciless turning of the screws on Andy Ruddock in that epic final set was enormously entertaining. But even more fascinating was spotting the celebrities who’d turned up to watch.

Can anyone imagine the scene if Henry Kissinger, Woody Allen and Alex Ferguson (who were all in attendance) happened to bump into each other at the bar afterwards? Read the rest of this entry »

THIS IS FUNNY

Their racist Jesus is also rather amusing.

IGNOMINIOUS ENDS

There’s no nice way to go, is there? The meek might take some comfort from the prospect of dying peacefully in their sleep. The vainglorious might dream of dying on the battlefield, fighting for some noble cause. But the vast majority of us would be much better pleased with a nice cup of tea and sit down if it was all the same to you.

And yet we’ve all got to die sometime. If it be now, ‘tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, then perhaps tomorrow evening when you’re texting your friend Tracey about French homework. “The readiness is all,” Shakespeare concluded.

For these poor bastards, though, the old readiness just wasn’t their strongest suit: Read the rest of this article.