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Published: Mongrel magazine, March 2004

Embrace Satan

Welcome to the the first in a series of commercial features (i.e. articles that look like real articles but are actually just a mutant form of advertising.) This month, we’ve teamed up with His Satanic Majesty, the Archangel Lucifer, to suckle upon his fiery teat and drink deep of his molten juices.

The forces of evil have never been as hip and youth oriented and we want you to get involved. Below you will find details of a fabulous offer open exclusively to our readers. But first here’s a personal message from Satan himself: “Hi kids. Like many of you, I was more than a little cheesed off at Mongrel’s treatment of my old pal Pat Kenny. But when I took the trouble to get to know the magazine a little better, I found out that there was much, much more to it than that. Did you know, for example, that Mongrel bosses refused to publish a review of Mercury Rev’s latest album because the reviewer called singer Jonathon Donohue a ‘hack who peddles kook’ and they had just gotten in a big advertisement for it? It warmed the cockles of my heart to find that out, it really did.”

Mongrel chief executive Rick Superburger had this to say: “We’re delighted with this opportunity to work together with Satan. Our ultimate goal here at Mongrel PLC is to accumulate all of the world’s wealth and resources and blow the lot on the largest and most pointless photoshoot ever staged. So, on a strategic level, the €500 we’re getting for this is definitely a step in the right direction.”

“Having said that, Satan is someone we’ve admired for a long time and we heartily endorse all of his works.”

“What a friend we have in Satan”

Still unsure about accepting the Prince of Darkness as your unquestioned lord and master? Don’t worry; those doubts are only natural. Listen to these sincere testimonies from real people. Cian Cummins (26) from Galway says “I was successfully self-employed when I let Satan into my life. Two years on I’m still self-employed but now I have a car and girlfriend too.”

Ms M. McAleese of Dublin was equally smitten. “Without Satan I was nothing. Now I’m the President…. aaaaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA!!!

Getting started

Ready to take the plunge? Ready to devote yourself to the service of true evil? You fucking better be after all this trouble we’ve gone to. Simply fill in the coupon at the bottom of the page and attach a postal order for the relevant amount. The Satanic Start-up Pack costs €49.99 (+p.&p.) and with it you get:

• a year’s subscription to Mongrel
• a pair of tickets to this year’s Oxegen Festival from our good friends in MCD
• your picture on the cover of the next issue of VIP Magazine, with the headline “Look at my lovely new curtains!”
• plus lots, lots more

With the Deluxe Pack for €59.99 (+p.&p.) you get all of the above, plus TV3’s Lorraine Keane comes around to your house and fucks your brains out.

Name:
Address:
I accept Satan: Yes [ ] No [ ]
I endorse his works: Yes [ ] No [ ]

In the, frankly unlikely, event of a tie-breaker please complete the following in 15 words or less:

Mongrel Magazine and Satan make the perfect partnership because…

Send completed coupons to Satanism Promotion, c/o Mongrel Magazine, 69 Middle Abbey Street, Dublin 1