Eoin Butler: writer, journalist and Mayoman of the Year
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New adventures in babysitting (contd.)
Evolution has contrived to make the sound of a crying baby one of the most unpleasant in nature. The more piercing the child’s shrieking, the harder it is to ignore. The harder to ignore, the more attention is lavished upon the child and, hence, the greater chance it has of surviving into adulthood. In a small apartment, it’s like having a car alarm going off in the living room for hours at a time. Crying is not a rational act then, but a primal instinct. Which is just as well. Because physically and intellectually, I am clearly Lola’s superior. I’m her only source of food, clothing and comfort. Nonetheless, the balance of power between the screaming child and the adult at the end of his tether is such that, if she had the facility, Lola could seriously leverage this situation to her advantage.
It’s eight o’clock. The crying has been going on for hours, days or weeks. I have no fucking idea at this point. I’ve tried every trick in the book. I’m literally begging her to be quiet now. There’s nothing I wouldn’t offer at this juncture in return for some peace and quiet. You wanna smoke cigarettes, Lola? I can get you cigarettes! You wanna procure firearms? We can procure firearms! You wanna doll’s house? I’ll construct you a dolly metropolis….
Just let me lie on the couch for a minute first. Construction of doll metropolis begins in exactly five minutes. I just need to close my eyes. This will only take a second zzzzzzzzz……..
[P.S. Older adventures in babysitting here, here, here, here, here and here.]
March 24th, 2010 at 4:04 am
give the child a fag. if that doesn’t settle it, try one of those legal highs, like mephedrone. a whack to the head can work as well. let me know how you get on Eoin.
March 24th, 2010 at 4:52 am
Thats horrible Darragh. Its a beautiful baby!!
March 24th, 2010 at 10:52 am
Rest assured Nora, the child has not been getting high, legally or illegally. The best I’ve come up with so far are nursery rhymes on YouTube.
Interesting factoid. Roger Daltry from The Who does a mean Wheels on the Bus:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jdqk6SMfIvA
March 24th, 2010 at 11:18 am
Have you tried blogging about it? Apparently that sometimes works.
March 24th, 2010 at 11:28 am
I can sympathise with where you’re coming from on this one. If you really need a break, Eoin put the baby’s chair in front of the television, put on a Barney DVD or something and lie down in another room for five minutes.
March 24th, 2010 at 11:46 am
Well that’s part of the problem, Mairead. Lola has lots of DVDs. But my sister’s television is one of those three remote control jobbies and I’m not able to turn it on.
Various members of my family have tried explaining it to me but, seriously, detonating a nuclear device would be less complicated.
March 24th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
WTF is that really Roger Daltry in the dinosaur costume??
March 24th, 2010 at 3:17 pm
Probably not him in the costume buts definitely him singing. Talkin bout his (great-grandchild’s) generation!!
March 26th, 2010 at 1:15 pm
@Eoin – “Roger Daltry from The Who does a mean Wheels on the Bus”. So a previous post’s comment have come full circle, Daltry’s version is a joke compared to Jonathan Richman’s.
http://www.eoinbutler.com/home/im-straight-1973-2/