Eoin Butler: writer, journalist and Mayoman of the Year
Tripping Along The Ledge
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VISIT MAYO. SHE DOES.
At three o’clock tomorrow today all eyes turn to Knock, where Our Lady is scheduled to make her second appearance in three weeks. Is she going to show up? And, if she does, can it possibly beat the excitement of October 11th, when a bunch of people who’d spent several minutes staring directly at the sun reported observing unusual visual phenomena in the sky above the church yard? She’s certainly doing little to dampen down expectations herself. Speaking, in suspicious tabloidese, through her clairvoyant pal Joe Coleman, Mary has promised to make “the biggest statement she has ever made on this earth”. Coming from a woman who gave birth to the son of God while still a virgin, that’s quite a promise.
Watch this space for updates… Of which there will no doubt be many… I mean, it’s not like nothing will happen tomorrow and the whole thing will just be a damp squib… Or would it?
12.14pm Well, it’s a cold dry day here in Knock, the ground is firm underfoot and conditions are ripe for a first class apparition here today. The crowds are slowly filing into the church yard and there’s a great buzz of excitement here already.
1.17pm Yes Han Shan, I’m really in Knock soaking up the atmosphere ahead of this afternoon’s hotly anticipated appearance by the Virgin Mary. The Kilfenora Ceili Band have now finished up their set the crowd are now performing a spontaneous Mexican wave.
2.29pm Crowd starting to fill out, approximately 8 – 9,000 already here. A polite ripple of applause for clairvoyant Joe Coleman as he arrives flanked by members of the local Legion of Mary.
2.31pm Coleman waves to the crowd and points to his watch. Half an hour now.
2.55pm Oh, what’s this then? The clouds part and a strange otherworldly music can be heard…
2.57pm An excited murmur passes through the crowd…
2.58pm Choirs of heavenly angels sing in exultation…
2.59pm Yes… yes… yes… Mr Whippy is in the house!
3.08pm The appointed hour has come and gone. Still the waiting game continues.
3.32pm Crowd becoming restless now. Some isolated stirrings of discontent.
3.46pm Stewards in one section of the crowd being pelted with pieces of fruits and half eaten ice cream cones. This could get ugly.
4.02pm Oh dear. Souvenir stands being upended amid widespread pandemonium.
4.09pm Mr Whippy dragged out of his seat and his van torched. Terrible, terrible scenes here.
4.59pm Local parish priest appealing for calm, but he’s been knocked off his perch by an old lady swinging an umbrella. Oh the humanity…
October 30th, 2009 at 10:40 am
For the last time Im not in Knock tomorrow, still stuck here
October 30th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Yawn… Everyone knows the real virgin mary is in this piece of toast
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4034787.stm
October 30th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Why does Mayo seem to be more religiously fanatical then most other counties? With this and the whole House of Prayer stuff in Achill these people are giving us a bad name in the eyes of the rest of the country. I delivered furniture to the house of that chancer woman from House of Prayer a few years back when I was in college. It’s clear to see where the ‘donations’ to the House of Prayer are being spent. My God the entire house seemed to be constructed using porcelain and the finest of fine china, not to mention the security gates etc. Gaff was like Fort Knox to get into
October 30th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Yeah, I always figured she was a total fraud. But it’s not until I went there that I realised how transparently obvious it was that this was the case. Where’s her house? It’s a long way from Achill isn’t it?
October 30th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
No, the one I delivered furniture too was just between Castlebar and Newport, en route to Achill. I imagine that’s just her holiday home though. Ya wanna see the house though, it really is like something out of Alison in Wonderland or a Tim Burton movie..
October 30th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Double o on the too, damn. I really shouldn’t post when I’m supposed to be working!
October 30th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Is she still referred to as the Virgin Mary? It’s a pretty poor reflection on heaven, if a woman of her standing hasn’t managed to get laid in the two thousand odd years she’s been there. Or is it just that brilliant that she hasn’t gotten round to it yet?
October 30th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
@Cormac Well Catholics call her a Virgin for life. Though the bible does refer to Jesus as “her first born son” which would indicate others and Matthew 13:54-58 refers to them in name along with sisters.
There are other equally uninteresting moments in the Bible along with some batshit acid trip stuff. Buy one or nick it from a hotel to learn more.
People died for all of this, totally worth it, especially for the twist at the end.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
…. just watched that video. Bunch of people murmering prayers over the sound of a screaming baby while staring into the Sun.
Completely normal, nothing scary or Hammer Horroresque at all.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Was at mass in Ballyhaunis with my mother on Sunday. The priest was giving out shite about this.
So ripe for satire, I kept imagining his sermon as a Jon Stewart bit…
Priest: Come on, like a 2,000 year old Jewish woman would just appear for no reason to a bunch of slack jawed locals in a church yard in the back arse of nowhere….
[someone says something in his earpiece]
Excuse me… Oh okay, right, I see…
[squirms]
@ Cormac – see, this is where you would have benefited from some religious instruction. There’s no sex in heaven. Only tongue kissing. And hand jobs on religious holidays.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I’d say the stigmatics aren’t too fond of the religous holidays so!
October 30th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
You could all be feeling p-r-e-t-t-y s-t-u-p-i-d this time tomorrow lads…
October 30th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
@albinicus-i think its easy to guess why mayo are the most religiously fanatical county.the mayofolk are hoping she settles down there and has another son who can perform miracles, you know…walk on water, make the lame walk, come up with a shitload of bread and fish outta practically nothing, kick pts in croke pk for the red and green etc
October 30th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
@ Sarah – wanna bet?
@ Pluck – amen!
October 31st, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Are you really in Knock? Are there many there?
October 31st, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Speaking to The Irish Times yesterday, Dublin man Joe Coleman said the apparition would be visible “to people who come with an open heart”.
“The church has been mocking me for the past week, it does not understand how Our Lady can come to a man from Ballyfermot,” he said. “They won’t laugh at me tomorrow.”
Paddy Powers would neither take a bet on her appearance or on majority of country laughing at this Ballyfermot “visionary”.
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/ireland/2009/1031/1224257766842.html
October 31st, 2009 at 1:38 pm
(Damn it) that lasst paragraph is me, meant to put it in after link.
October 31st, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Are you really in knock. Is there many there?
October 31st, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Hey Eoin, has she turned up yet?
October 31st, 2009 at 4:43 pm
He’s not in Mayo, I heard him on the radio this morning.
October 31st, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Stall on lads she’ll be here any minute
October 31st, 2009 at 9:10 pm
So your woman didn’t turn up, ha ha! What a fuckin surprise – Mayo falls flat on it’s face
November 1st, 2009 at 1:48 pm
In the end “the Virgin Mary” decided to appear in a small pub in Nobber, Co. Meath.
Turns out she’s voting for John and Edward in X-factor because they make her laugh and it pisses off Simon.
Of course it was Halloween yesterday and it’s likely she appeared in a few other places. Except ironically, Knock.
November 4th, 2009 at 3:15 am
My mother’s family come from a hill called mount jubilee between Bangor Erris and Gaoth Saile. The virgin Mary showed up there and all, on a ladder, to kids. There is a little monument which was officiated over by the bishop. I remember clearly because I was about nine and I fucking froze to death halfway up the hill during the 3 hour ceremony.
Funnily enough, in our teenage years, my twin brother and I found loads of magic mushrooms growing on mount jubilee.
November 4th, 2009 at 3:15 am
@colin I live 5 miles from Nobber in Kells. Is the virgin Mary stalking me?
November 4th, 2009 at 9:20 am
@ Darragh – hahahaha… re: mushrooms. Total coincidence, I’m sure!