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Published: Irish Times, February 13 2010

You can’t hurry love?

THE LIGHTING IS soft. That’s the first thing you notice when you arrive downstairs at the Turk’s Head pub in Dublin city centre. If it were any softer, you might pull up a chair by one of those old flower pots and ask what she looks for in a relationship. The organisers of tonight’s speed dating event asked participants to assemble at 7.45pm sharp. I arrive at 7.49pm, so flustered I almost sign up for salsa dancing lessons by accident. But nothing actually happens until almost 9pm.

The ladies, by and large, have shown up in pairs. They sit awkwardly at the bar, fixing their hair and stealing furtive glances at the latest arrivals. The guys have almost all come alone. But as with any group of men, thrown together in any circumstances, anywhere in the world, we pick up the conversation almost without missing a beat. Robbie Keane to Celtic, huh? How’ll that pan out? Risky move on Spurs’ part. He scores goals, the boy scores goals… Read the rest of this article here.

Catholic Mass: A Critical Analysis

Previously, I reviewed the Nitelink, Brendan Thompson getting his mickey caught in his zip and, of course, your ma. Those all took the piss. This on, the other hand, was written for the Irish Times. Therefore I’ve striven to make my opinions as boring and not insane as possible. The Vatican has, apparently, issued a whole load of guidelines about what a mass sermon should be.

Last Sunday, I was asked to head along to mass and offer up my verdict. I wasn’t hugely impressed with what I found. Read the rest of this entry »

One way around there, folks, one way around.

Your most uncharitable captions, please. Disclaimer: I may alter this post at a later date to make it appear as though you people just started leaving mean comments on here for no reason. Them’s the risks you take, motherfuckers. Them’s the risks you take.

Rainy Night in Soho (1985)

There’s another cool version of this song by Nick Cave here. Either way, fuck it, Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Damien to the rescue

First of all, to anyone who called, emailed or texted me in the last ten days but never heard back, I apologise. I was really, really busy. (Unless you’re a PR person of any description, in which case I probably was just ignoring you.) Anyway, I’m back in the land of the living now. A couple of thing I loved while I’ve been away…. Read the rest of this entry »

“Jaysus, that Kathryn Bigelow is some woman, huh?”

He throws the newspaper down in front of me. “You would, wouldn’t you? Go on, admit it,” he says. “It’ll go no further than the two of us.” “She’s old enough to be your mother!” I reply. “It’s mad that, isn’t it?” he shakes his head. “Although, of course, my mother has had eleven children, so it’s hardly a fair comparison.” Read the rest of this article here.

“God bless you Jade. Hope Princess Di is taking care of you in heaven. You are my hero.”

You know the way gay people think everyone is gay? And stoned people think everyone is stoned? In the same sort of way way, I can’t help thinking the person who left this message was being really, really sarcastic.

Badass sentences I’d love to have appear in my obituary but am realistic enough to realize never will #347

From the obituary for Israeli spy chief David Kimche which appeared in the Sunday Times today… Read the rest of this entry »

The Moonshiner (1963)

Surely the most nihilistic folk song ever written and also – not entirely coincidentally – my party piece. Weddings, bar mitzvahs etc. etc.

Meanwhile in Russia…