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MISCELLANEOUS AMUSING ITEMS I’VE COME ACROSS #18

If you think The Sun doesn’t credit its readers with much intelligence, here’s a hint why.

I’M RICH… RICH BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS!*

(*Disclaimer #1: My dreams aren’t very wild. Disclaimer #2: I don’t know if I’ve ever actually had a dream about money.) But fuck it, if you’ve ever been tempted to abduct, murder and rob me of every penny I’ve got, now would definitely be the time to do it. Read the rest of this entry »

MIND THAT CHILD!

Life’s no picnic for a mild-mannered, self-deprecating, sound as a pound, suburban stay-at-home Dad… Just ask old muggins here! When our two were born, I decided to opt out of the nine-to-five rat race and become their full time primary care giver. Somehow, it just felt right. Also, I’d been stealing large quantities of office supplies and wanted to quit while I was ahead. Read the rest of this entry »

THIS IS FUNNY

Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. Read the rest of this entry »

DESERVE GOT NUTHIN’ TO DO WITH IT

On Saturday, I turned down the chance to participate in a football vs. X Factor debate on Newtalk’s Weekend Blend. (Ireland’s World Cup qualifier in Croker that evening clashed with the popular television show.) I told the producers that I find the whole X Factor phenomenon so monumentally stupid, I wasn’t prepared to waste my breath even slagging it off. Just as well I did too, or I’d probably have been accused of intellectual snobbery by Sarah Carey in the Irish Times today. Read the rest of this entry »

MISCELLANEOUS AMUSING ITEMS I’VE COME ACROSS #17

Well, someone’s certainly put some pep in this college’s step! (Needs sound.) With thanks to my friend Michael Freeman who may, or may not, be weighing up a career in veterinary office management…

SAN QUENTIN (1969)

She’ll probably deny it now, but I had this song on in the car once and, midway through, my sister turned to me and said “Man, they really don’t seem to like that Sam Quentin guy, do they?” Read the rest of this entry »

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

Sara has a low opinion of Irish men. But there’s one for whom she reserves particular scorn. One prototypical idiot she regards as even more clueless than the herd. “Tell me Eooo-wen”, she purrs in that annoying Teutonic drone of hers. “What are you getting your girlfriend for Christmas?”

“Binliners, perhaps? Tampons?”

She shrieks with laughter. I don’t bother lying.

“To be honest, I doubt we’ll even be together by Christmas.” Read the rest of this entry »

OVERHEARD AT THE LAST SUPPER…

Apostle #1: Anyone else think Judas is acting kinda weird?
Apostle #2: Yeah, he’s really shifty tonight.
Apostle #3: Also, he’s the only one of us without a halo. Which I think is pretty suspicious…

IRISH TIMES’ WRITERS RACY RECOMMENDATIONS…

The newspaper is collecting suggested reading lists from writers for an upcoming Christmas feature. The categories didn’t sound remarkable when they were called out to me over the phone: Read the rest of this entry »