Ballyhaunis

Dream a Little Dream of Me (1950)

Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong duet on an old jazz standard. Honestly, I don’t know if I could love this record more. Armstrong was himself, of course, incredibly versatile. In 1970, he guested on what would have been at the time one of the definitive red-state shows, The Johnny Cash Show. But, perhaps surprisingly, his duet with Cash really isn’t all that bad.

O Mio Babbino Caro (1965)

For the first time in living memory, the office becomes a hive of activity…

Expensive fragrances waft through the corridors. Hemlines rise inexoribly. In one corner of the office there appears to be an orange make-up death match underway – it’s like there’s a team of Oompa-Loompas suddenly pitching in! Read the rest of this article here.

Lame jokes Bob Dylan has told onstage while introducing his band (1988 – 2009)

“At the back, the meanest drummer in the world. When we played in the Middle East, he killed the Dead Sea… David Kemper!”

“You might be wondering what’s written on his shoes – those are foot notes!” Read the rest of this entry »

The day my mother read about me shooting heroin into my c*$!

Yesterday, I posted this article about my mother and I doing a joint pub review one time. Denise asked if my mother ever reads the stuff I write about her. I replied honestly, saying that I have no idea. In fact, there’s only one article I’ve ever written that I know for certain my mother has read.

It involved some heroin and my penis. Read the rest of this entry »

This is utterly bizarre

Some guy impersonating Sir Ian McKellan doing a dramatic reading of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

My shortcomings as a writer and as a human being (abridged)

For the past couple of months I’ve been writing a column for The Dubliner. It’s a much more taxing job then I had anticipated. I’m expected to offer coherent thoughts on some topic of contemporary relevance each week. This isn’t easy for me.

It wouldn’t be a problem, I suppose, if I actually gave a shite about the economy or knew what NAMA was or any of that. But that’s never going to happen. I’ve never opened a bank statement in my life. I’m not going to suddenly pretend I’m Eddie Hobbs. Read the rest of this entry »

Comment mutiny: swarm, swarm, swarm…

Apologies for not updating as often as I’ve have liked this week. I’ve been doing some top secret consultancy work for the government. We’re creating an elite mobile fighting unit to be deployed against the citizenry as the country goes down the toilet. I really can’t say any more than that. Rob and David – happy now?

Miscellaneous Amusing Items I’ve Come Across #34

In Ballyhaunis for my mother’s birthday. I brought her out for dinner in Claremorris. It doesn’t much swankier than that. Have to head to back up to Dublin today to cover a camper van jamboree that’s going on in Louth over the weekend. It’s really a shame because, when it comes to bank holiday action, there’s nowhere else even at the races… Read the rest of this entry »

Last time I ever mention this idiot. I promise.

Last week I expressed surprise that Ian O’Doherty had not been taken to task over some really callous homophobic invective in a recent newspaper article. Now I’m a little wiser. Having a rational argument with O’Doherty, I realise, is like having a fist fight with a toddler. There is no glory in it.

Yesterday in the Indo, he fired back at me. Well to be fair, he first chipped in a really stellar (even by his own lofty standards) think-piece about bras, which concluded with the burning question: “After all, who wants to live in a world where chicks with massive hooters aren’t celebrated?” Then the gloves came off.

Though professing not to know me, nor to have any quarrel with what I had written about him, he referenced (apparently without irony) my supposed “bitterness” and “talentless outrage.” Really, in terms of the guy having a comically low self-awareness, he could only have topped that by singling out my drooping jowls and pass Leaving Cert standard English. Read the rest of this entry »